Barely two weeks after his much-hyped debut in World Wrestling Entertainment, hard-partying Adam Rose has received a 30-day suspension for what WWE officials can only assume are numerous violations of the company’s Wellness Policy.
The suspension has sparked controversy because it is not based on any failed urine or blood tests, but rather on what WWE officials have called “simple observation and common sense.”
“No, Mr. Rose did not test positive for any banned substances but, I mean, come on, look at the guy” said one WWE medic on condition of anonymity.
“Seriously, you think that guy is just high on life? We probably don’t even have tests for the crazy stuff he’s on.”
Sources close to Rose (including a giant pink bunny and a transvestite in an inflatable clown suit) insist, however, that Rose has never even had a sip of beer in his life, let alone tried any illicit drugs.
“This suspension is bogus,” insisted the bunny, while dancing the Charleston with a cowboy in buttless chaps.
“Adam isn’t on drugs. He’s just got a constant sugar rush from all those lollipops.”