Approximately 80,000 people from every corner of the globe are descending upon New Jersey this weekend to watch a physical spectacle in which fully shaven, scantily clad men will entwine their glistening oiled bodies.
Over the course of four hours Sunday evening, spectators will cheer and boo at a cavalcade of sweat-drenched musclemen and genetic oddities clasping and tugging and squeezing various parts of each other’s smooth bodies.
Many fans are looking forward to seeing The Rock — a statuesque man whose hairless, chestnut-skinned body ripples with muscles — tussle with John Cena, lighter-skinned but equally hairless and well-developed male specimen.
“I’m cheering for The Rock, because I enjoy when he talks about his ‘strudel’ and makes fun of John Cena’s testicles,” said 36-year-old Trevor Burman. “I also really like Cody Rhodes’ mustache.”
Many other fans are looking forward to watching an arrogant, scruffy blowhard tussle with an enormous middle-aged zombie who wears eyeliner.