Approximately 80,000 people from every corner of the globe are descending upon northern California this weekend to watch a physical spectacle in which fully shaven, scantily clad musclemen will entwine their glistening oiled bodies.
Over the course of four hours Sunday evening, spectators will cheer and boo at a cavalcade of sweat-drenched behemoths clasping and tugging and squeezing various parts of each other’s smooth bodies.
Many fans are looking forward to seeing Brock Lesnar — a bear of a man with a phallus tattooed on his chest — tussle with Roman Reigns, who has the prettiest blue eyes.
Others are eagerly awaiting the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal, which will see 30 nearly-nude men writhe in a spectacle of Dionysian excess.
Perplexingly, the vast majority of ticketholders to this orgiastic display are heterosexual men.